I realize that whole books are written about this, and by highly qualified doctors that specialize in psychological issues, but. KNOWING how something works and being a builder of the particular thing are usually two different things. One can READ about, study and otherwise become as educated as possible about, say, orgasms, but until and unless you've actually HAD one, you do not KNOW, okay? Fair enough? We could use riding a bicycle as an example if it'll make my more inhibited readers comfortable. Seeing one being ridden, reading the manual, even building one does NOT mean you can just hop on and do it perfectly. Mental illnesses, for the most part, are the same thing. A doctor can recognize the SIGNS of a particular illness, but unless they've had/have it, they can't know just how it feels, trust me on this. I can talk clinically about MY mental issues all day long if you want, but that does NOT make them go away, or even make having them less emotionally/physically painful to have, just means I know a lot about them. Knowing your leg is broken doesn't mend it, right? Same with the "head" stuff, folks. KNOWING does not equal CURING, necessarily. Knowing I have an extreme phobia to hypodermic needles, and that it is irrational doesn't make me cringe, feel sick, and sometimes cry less when one comes at me, so. I hope this makes the point.
The particular "syndrome" I'm talking about today is the Prince Charming syndrome. And I'm addressing someone that's looking for one, not that has the syndrome herself. I have dealt with it in the past, and this sweet friend, who shall remain nameless, is battling with it right now. Problem is, she doesn't realize it, and although I have tried broaching the topic in the past, I have been waved off as wrong. I am not wrong, and she is self-destructing before my very eyes and I have GOT to do something even if it means she has to be mad at me for a while. If it helps, then so be it.
Like I said, I've been there, so it's not like I haven't gone through this myself. We had different reasons, it would seem, for getting to this place, but the road is something that just gets you there. I personally was a VERY naive teen and young woman. I knew NOTHING about sex until my at the time (I was 18) boyfriend bought me the sexual bible "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask". That book saved me a LOT of trouble, BUT since I suffer from bipolar disease, it just went so far. It taught a whole lot about sex, but not about relationships and why we have them. THAT was also an issue for me, and my dear friend (as is being bipolar, which makes all this a lot harder). I personally grew up with a very sexually proficient mother and a very sexually backwards father. I say proficient because, as per her own words, as a young woman, any man that asked her for sex, or just tried for it, got it. She had no real father figure growing up and had NO idea how to behave correctly to their advances, so she just assumed since they wanted sex, it was the right thing to do. Along the way somewhere, she learned it was also a great way to get what she wanted from men, and she "dangled" that treat in front of any man she wanted/needed something from. She married my dad, she said, because HE didn't ask. I don't know if I believe that because she later said he was, although very inept at it, a fiend for sex, so. So when I got to the age where I was finally getting noticed, I realized the power of sex, BUT I held out, mostly out of fear, and I found out from watching my friends what giving in would get you, which was dumped, and for some reason, somehow, I managed to hang on until I was 20, BUT I did a LOT of dangling. If you had called me on it, however, I would have said "what are you talking about? I'm just being friendly, that's all. If he thinks it's anything more, it's in his head". Well, that, on reflection is NOT true. I was looking for Prince Charming. The one, like I thought my dad was, that wanted ME, not just the sex, subconsciously. I truly believed that the friendly looks, quick touches, glances, smiles, "cooking for a friend", dressing to my advantage, all of that was just being "friendly". Well, you can be friendly to a tiger, but eventually, you're going to get eaten, and when you do, you're going to say "what did I do to deserve THIS?" What you did was basically ask the tiger to make a meal of you. Now before anyone yells at me about the rape thing, that is different. That is beyond wanting SEX with someone and, instead, wanting to overpower them, totally different animal. No one ASKS to be raped, but sexual attention, by "accident", that's a whole other story. Say the rapist is a tiger with rabies, and that is a different animal that will attack anyone for no reason, okay? A regular, sane tiger, though, can take just so much teasing, however innocent, before he tries to make you a sandwich, literally. I have always done better with men as friends in part because they don't play the same games women do and a lot of other valid reasons, BUT I will also admit that PART of the reason is that I KNOW, usually, that a man is more likely to respond to my requests for help, sympathy, protection...whatever, than a woman. Not that my women friends that I have managed to cultivate late in life aren't there for me. I have learned HOW to be friends with women, but it took a LONG time, and a lot of trust.The difference here between women vs men friends is that (barring gay male friends) many women will stab you in the back in a heartbeat over a good man, and the only problem with a male friend is keeping him just that, a friend, which can be difficult, but it IS doable, usually if he doesn't consider YOU doable, follow me? You cannot treat a heterosexual male friend like you would a girlfriend, it's not fair to them. You have to treat them like YOU are another guy. Guys do not generally hug or touch each other without good reason, cook for each other, or other girly stuff. If you DO those things...including making wardrobe comments, cut their hair, massage a sore muscle, tend to them too much when they're sick, you are saying, and quite plainly, to THEM "I am available to you, I am showing you my skills and attributes so you will pick me as a mate", trust me on this. YEARS of research here. I even was sending out this signal at the low points of both marriages because I was looking to get rescued by, yeah, you guessed it, Prince Charming. He was to swoop in, convince me that HE would treat me better than lunkhead, accept my baggage (kids, pets, whatever) and to leave said lunkhead and go with HIM instead. And I have been rescued, but keep reading. Also, I want to throw in for anyone that considers this being innocent...using your children/pets as a way to get a males attention, for instance, Pookie needs rescuing from the tree, Baby made cookies, valentines, etc, is STILL advertising, really, honest. It's rationalization. I KNOW how hard it is NOT to do it, AND to admit to doing it, but you have GOT to see it to get past it. Now, the catch-22 of this little vignette is this...There ARE Prince Charming types out there, also known as rescuers, and they WILL rescue you from your apparent dilemma, BUT, once you are no longer in peril, they are going to be, even if they don't realize it, looking for another damsel in distress, that is THEIR PC syndrome. My wonderful brother was a PC for years before he finally got tired of rescuing and found a wonderful woman that rescued him right back and they are wonderful for each other, but that doesn't always happen. Being a "helpless princess" in constant need of help is very tiring. You CAN be JUST needy enough, my good women friends tell me, to keep a man happy and around for life, (they NEED, most of them, to be needed, just like us, but don't let them know we know that), But a real PC will whisk you out of your situation, get your straightened out, and then, very often, he's off to the next quest. SO, you need to learn how to rescue yourself. Being generally needed is one thing... having a job, helping with the kids, just being a partner is a good thing, and sure, you can be "helpless" once in a while, just so you can remember how wonderful he is and how, although you CAN do most stuff yourself, just like HE can, it's nice to be needed (if you think for one second he doesn't know how, or can't learn, to cook, sew on a button or do laundry, you need more help than I have to give)... BUT being the hero EVERY day is a much bigger job than most men want, and trust me, you would get tired of it after a while. Too MUCH of something is just as bad as too little, sometimes.
This is something I have YEARS of experience with, but I have learned that it's a MUCH better thing to treat a male friend like his other male friends do than constantly get my feelings hurt because I put myself on the buffet then wonder why good old what's his name suddenly tried to jump me, "out of nowhere", and lose him as a possible REAL JUST friend.*Are there jerks out there that are just jerks, no matter what? Yeah, but we know what we're doing, don't we, really? Build a good base of women friends who have no possible ulterior motives to be your friend first, THEN you can actually maybe be "one of the guys." But you have GOT to rescue yourself first. My first ex-husband is in the process of trying to rescue me, and himself, right now, and it's really tempting to let him step in and do that, BUT there is a reason he's my ex, and I have to remember that. It hasn't changed over the years, so I am trying to be friends for now, and if we are having problems with just THAT, how could we go back to anything more? I will have to find a way to get myself safe. The dragons are at the door, but I will muddle through.
Sitting in my high tower, braiding my hair into a ladder and just sayin'
Dragonfly
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